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:iconsilverwind017: More from silverwind017


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PoetsAndWriters by spaztic-one

Literature by Deedeekinz

Poetry, short stories by PoetBanana


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Submitted on
December 27, 2010
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856 bytes
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1,620
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86

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Creative Commons License
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Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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Wake up
Please wake up

Wake up from dream land
Snap back into reality

Look at him
Look at my leg

See the bruises?
From him

Why?

Because he used me
To be with you

So I kicked him
And felt more pain come back

Look at him
Look at my eyes

See the flames?
From him

Why?

Because he irritates me
Beyond description

So I almost mangled him
And felt you there protecting him

Look at him
Look at my soul

See the darkness?
From you

Why?

Because you protect him
But not me

So I lay on my bed in despair
Wondering when you'll wake up
:iconreadplz::iconcommentplz::iconarrowdownplz::iconcommentplz::iconreadplz:
:iconstop1plz::iconstop2plz::iconstop3plz::iconstop4plz::iconstop1plz:

So here's the background story behind this;
My best friend I've known for 8 years got a really good guy friend (For protection reasons, I'll call him Zach). I didn't really know Zach, but one day I got a text message sent to me through my best friend from him. He said that he liked me, and since I really didn't know the kid and I'm not dating till I'm sixteen, I kept it down.
Within two weeks, he walked up and talked to me only once. And the only thing he said to me was my name, and than handed me a note. I lost the note, but he told me (through my best friend of course) that it didn't matter.
And low and behold; my best friend and Zach were dating. The problem? He used me to get my best friend, and every time my best friend is around him, she is off in la la land.(Literally. No joke) He makes fun of me and my best friend's sister right in front of her (and our) face(s), and she does nothing. Absolutely nothing, and it's hard to stand up to both of them.
And I swear I've tried every remedy in the book to try to wake her up,but nothing seems to work. I feel like giving up completely and just end our friendship. But I just can't...

Note: It's all solved :) Life's good :D
But I'll leave this up here anyway :)
And thanks for reading this :)
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:iconbluepelt1:
Bluepelt1 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, read it again. Even better the second time :) Again, I'm glad everything's cool and fixed. ^^ Very nicely written poem, it describes the anger and sadness you must have been feeling.
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:iconsilverwind017:
silverwind017 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2011
Aww... thank you sooo much :huggle:
That really does mean a lot to me :)
And I'm really glad to that everything is fixed :D I haven't edited this piece of art yet, but she did finally break up with him. It's quite nice now :)
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:iconnightwolf950:
NightWolf950 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Rachy you have hurt Geo and I very badly. Mostly Geo. You have hurt me because it seems that i am nothing to you. So well i guess these are my last words to you.

Jaz.
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:iconbluepelt1:
Bluepelt1 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I like this :) Very nice! ^^ Its sad, though D: Im glad everythings better
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:iconsilverwind017:
silverwind017 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2011
Aww...:)
:huggle: Thank you so much :D
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:iconwinderlant:
Winderlant Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
Love binds like no other,
the truth can be laid out like cards
but only if you let your heart see,
will the truth be known.
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:iconsilverwind017:
silverwind017 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2011
Ooo....:iconiloveyouplz:
Very true indeed :nod:
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:iconwinderlant:
Winderlant Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2011
>w<
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:icongelun:
gelun Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
Hi I'm a critic from :iconsuperwritershelp: , here to give my brief feedback on this piece.

For the records, I read that long Artist's Comments. I understand the need to give the context of the poem but I think it's better if you keep your future ACs short(er). :) A good gauge is to keep it shorter than your poem itself.

Ok first, I think the constant repetition may in fact be apt for this poem; however, it is a lil' over used. Experiment with other methods to express a certain tone or idea. Using the same technique over and over again betrays a lack of creativity and can be quite boring at times.

Secondly, the choice of diction is very simple (colloquial) and straightforward. This is inline with the persona being very young and the work under impulse from what seems like a betrayal. However, it would be nice if you add in more details. e.g. how was the kick like? how did the pain feel? (explore the senses)

Thirdly, I really like how you omit all punctuations in this piece except for the question marks. This is a huge plus point. Additionally, you used run-on sentences, which is once again very suited for this poem. The resentment and bitter tone is nicely threaded through the entire poem. Good job on this aspect.

All in all, a very simple piece with a nicely established tone. Try to explore more imagery and poetic techniques. :)

Rating: :star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty:
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:iconsilverwind017:
silverwind017 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2011
:iconwowplz: Wow... I didn't know your group gave this big of a critic!!!
Thank you sooo much for the wonderful critic!!! :hug: I'll try to use your advice in the later future :nod:
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